Your Identity. Lose it and Gain!

I walked through the farmers market, unrecognizable; my head and face covered with hat and mask.

Part of me appreciated the anonymity since I was uncomfortable being out in public in my comfortable pandemic attire—old sweats and a big t-shirt.

Part of me felt a flush of sadness. The colorful fruits and veggies were a stark contrast to my greyscale feeling, and the now robotic transaction of procuring fresh produce. Everyone was hidden behind their protective gear. They were looking down at the ground trying to follow the big taped arrows marking the new, one-way walking route and the proverbial 6ft standing spots. There would be no easy smile-laugh-hug quick social fix from running into a friend.

However, that anonymous feeling reminded me of a theme in my life. One that I have learned to appreciate even though it comes from loss.

The more I lose my external identifiers, the more I learn who I really am.
The more I learn who I really am, the more capable I become to handle life’s changes.

Life’s top stressors—death, disease, divorce, job loss, moving—have one thing in common: loss of one’s external identifiers. Even when we choose the change and/or it’s an overall positive, we can feel vulnerable without the cloak of our comfortable identity.

The first time I discovered this was when I left an amazing job in my hometown and moved to Sweden two days after getting married to someone I’d only seen twice in the previous two years (that’s a crazy story in itself!). I had no job, no friends, and felt like a 5-year-old when I tried to speak Swedish. I didn’t have the right clothes—either fashion or weather-wise. Without my “credentials,” I felt less than; unworthy.

Of course, I’d had life changes before, but when so many of my external identifiers simultaneously vanished, it was crystal clear why I felt so vulnerable. It was a blessing. Otherwise, I might have blamed my new marriage.

The covid quarantine has stripped most of us of at least one, if not several of our external identifiers. It hurts. It’s scary. Our first instinct is to want to get them back, stat! Reestablish equilibrium. Cover the rawness with the identity band-aid.

Resist the temptation. Now is the time to take advantage of seeing ourselves in a new light, from a different angle.

We can ask ourselves…

• What have I learned about myself from this experience?

• Do I like what I have discovered?

• What would I like to consciously release?

• What do I want to create more of in my life now that I see things differently?

For some reason, just naming this experience for what it is, makes it easier to manage. “Oh good. I’m not having a mental breakdown, I’ve just lost a part of my identity. That identity is not the whole me and I can manage, even take advantage of, this change.”

This also works for situations that aren’t as crisis-driven as the covid quarantine. For example, I’m aging. Yep, I’m going grey, getting wrinkles, and my face is falling. Is that who I am? No. Do I like looking older when I feel so young and vibrant inside? No. I need to remind myself that my physical appearance, even though it’s my very own body, is just one more external identifier that’s changing. This awareness nudges me to go within, yet again, and find out who I really am.

Give yourself the gift of taking time to reflect on the external identifiers that you’d like to reinstate and those you’d like to release as we start to resume our regular lives. It’s not always an easy or pretty process, but I’ve come to appreciate the strength, healing, and growth that inevitably results from losing my external identifiers. I hope you will, too!

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